When a man and a woman meet and fall in love, each of them create a future story in their mind. They may not even be aware the story has been created, but nonetheless, it is there and operative. 

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In these future stories there may be beautiful children, a cozy and fully decorated home, jobs they love, making money to afford not just the things they need but many of the things they want. In this idealistic story the magic of romance is extended indefinitely into the bliss of the future.

One of the gifts God endows to all of us is the possibility of creating our own future story. However, we have a choice to create and maintain a story with a happy ending or a story with a tragic ending. I heard an example of this reality in a case study a pastoral counselor shared with us at a training event. He told a true life story of a woman who came to him extremely anxious and depressed. She had been to see a psychiatrist who had prescribed an antidepressant. The medication was not working. She shared her future story with the counselor. She had married a minister three years earlier. He was divorced. They made a decision to start a family about a year ago but so far, no pregnancy.

One day while in a stall in the church restroom, she overheard two parishioners talking. One said, “Wonder if the pastor and his new wife are ever going to have children?” The other responded by saying, “It better be soon, because I heard he divorced his first wife because she couldn’t have children.”

The second part of her story was a visit to see her mother. As she was leaving, her mother commented, “Are you and that preacher husband of yours going to give us some grandchildren?” With these two incidents, this woman began structuring in her mind a future story with a tragic ending. Her story included her husband divorcing her and her mother being disappointed in for her not having children.

The pastoral counselor invited the woman’s husband to a session where she shared with her husband the conversation she heard in the church restroom.

The husband replied, “I did not leave my first wife because she couldn’t have children. I divorced her because she ran off with the church organist.” He concluded by saying, “I love you and that will never change, whether we have children or not.”

Next, the counselor asked the woman to invite her mother to a session. When she told her interpretation of her mother’s comment about grandchildren, her mother replied, “Honey, I love you period, grandchildren or no grandchildren. Your sisters have four children who are about to drive me crazy. If you never have any children this will be fine with me!”

After these two sessions, the woman’s depression dissipated and she no longer needed her Prozac.

This woman’s future story was dysfunctional. She had created a story with a bad ending and this dysfunctional story caused her depression and anxiety. All of us should periodically examine our future stories and if they are dysfunctional, we need to change them and create a better ending.

In the movie, The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer, the couple was planning to divorce. They sent their two children to summer camp and on the way to pick them up, they were going to break the news to the children. While driving both were reflecting in their minds on their original future story, with all the hopes and dreams they had for a life-long marriage together. In a moving scene, they recaptured their future story and put together an end to the story that did not include divorce.

There are some things we have no control over, but there are many things we can control. We can’t control the final outcome of our future stories, but we can control the construction of our future story. Our marriages deserve the best future we can create. If your future story is dysfunctional, get a pen or get on the computer and start the rewrite. 

Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. He can be reached at 704-408-4187or .

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