By Russell Ledbetter

Local author Hunter Darden says keeping feelings of grief repressed after the death of a loved one can sometimes lead to feelings emerging in an unhealthy manner later.

“It can be bad if you don’t express your feelings. Grief can manifest itself later in life,” Darden said.

Darden, an award-winning author of seven books, wrote specifically for children in her 1996 book, “The Everlasting Snowman,” which is about the cycle of life. The book aims to help children understand death, a topic Darden is familiar with.

Darden’ oldest brother, Charlie, died when he was 3 years old. Darden was just an infant, but the two had played together everyday, Darden’s mother, Peggy Dudley, said.

In the year after his death, Darden went around her parent’s home for nearly a year with an extra cookie, calling out Charlie’s name. She couldn’t comprehend her brother had died.

“It was very difficult because (Hunter) was only a year and a half, and you can’t easily sit down and explain the cycle-of-life in a way they can always understand,” Dudley said. “They didn’t have books like ‘The Everlasting Snowman’ at that time. She knew (Charlie) was sick and had some limitations, but it is a difficult age to deal with because they certainly can’t understand death at all.”

Social worker Lura McMurray, a grief counselor with KinderMourn of Charlotte, advises talking to children in a simple way they can understand, while not trying to tell it all at once.

Parents should use simple words a child can understand but be honest and avoid euphemisms and say the loved one has died. Watering down what happened may confuse the child.

“I think it is wrong to make children do certain things,” McMurray said. “Making them not go to the funeral and making them go to the funeral. Trust the child within reason to do what they want to do. Unless a 2-year-old child is disruptive, by not going, they may think it is some taboo thing.”

Small children can easily become confused.

As far as viewing the body, “My preference is to have them just do that privately with the family,” McMurray said. And if doable, let children see the entire body, not just half the casket in the coffin. “Young kids may think half of grandma’s missing, so open the bottom part and let them see. Children can take things literally.”

As an adult, Darden’s adult sister, Fran, and younger adult brother, Robert, died from illness. Darden joined her sister’s husband in trying to help his three children — ages, 7, 5 and 2 — understand their mother was dead.

“At the time, their 5-year-old son asked me if we could get a magician to bring his mother back for Christmas,” Darden said. “It’s just such a hard concept for children to understand.

“One day, her 2-year-old just sort of pointed to a picture of her mother on the refrigerator, and I just know she had to wonder where her mother was.”

Dudley, a grandmother to the three children, said keeping a child occupied with activities is helpful while they come to understand the loss.

“Substituting gentle activities can help,” Dudley said. “I think it took Hunter about a year before she finally stopped looking for Charlie.”

A child working their loss into everyday play is also normal, McMurray said.

“While teens tend to talk to other teens more than their parents, younger children tend to sort of come in and out of (grief). They may ask questions and then become distracted and go and work it into their play,” McMurray said.

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