Recently, I was perusing magazines in a doctor’s office waiting room. When I left 30 minutes later, I had a prescription in my hand and a list of 300 tasks to accomplish in my head. My list was generated from the 300 lists I read in the magazines. Item number one on my list — stop reading magazines!

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Fourteen Secrets to Better-Eating Kids; 50 Ways to Cut 100 Calories; The 10 Commandments of Style. The lists went on and on. Nowadays, many people want to tell others how to better themselves — or their kids, homes, and wardrobe. By the way, men aren’t immune: the “Commandments of Style” were listed in GQ. When did we develop a severe case of OLD (Obsessive List Disorder)? Actually, I’d rather not know, because the answer likely comes with a list of symptoms and cures.

The parenting how-to lists used to give me the most grief. Talk about pouncing on people when they’re most vulnerable. New parents wear signs over their heads that read: “Caution: New Parent, Mistakes Likely.” New parents are as fragile as the babies they’re holding. The ones who know this are those writing the how-to lists. I especially love the quotes in the articles from someone identified as a “parenting expert.” What exactly is a parenting expert anyway? I’d read these articles and vow to try every suggestion, because if the parenting expert gave the idea, it must be good. Right?

Contrary to what you’re probably thinking, I enjoy making lists. I thought everybody did, until I wrote one for my husband on a Post-It. The next day I found the Post-It stuck to my mirror, the phrase “I don’t do lists” written on top of my to-do list. I couldn’t understand his annoyance at my attempt to be helpful until now. I don’t like others making lists for me, especially when it comes to parenting. Unless you’re living under my roof, eating, sleeping and breathing my kids as I do, please don’t tell me how to do my job better.

Now I read the parenting how-to lists and roll my eyes. The sign over my head has been replaced with a new one that reads: “Parenting Expert: Mistakes STILL Likely.”

Ironically, freelance writers thrive on list articles, so look for mine coming to a magazine near you. It’s very short.

Steps to Becoming a Parenting Expert:
1. Raise a child.
2. Live to tell about it.

Kelli Robinson is a stay-at-home mother of two living in Mooresville. E-mail her at .

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