As married people, let’s all admit to each other that married life is sometimes routine and boring. The daily rituals of waking up, eating breakfast, going to work, (inside or outside the home), eating lunch, going back to work, driving home, eating dinner, watching TV or working on the computer and going to sleep, only to do it again the next day, can get stale. Couples living together experience the same routine. 

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Many times one person in a living-together relationship will move out, saying, “This is too boring, the spark is gone. I need to find someone more exciting!” Reality tells us that both married and living-together couples experience the “same old, same old” feelings. So, it must be “normal” for all couples to have periods of boredom. It is abnormal to think when you are married, your life will be a constant high with the intensive passion of honeymooners.

The “bipolarness” (to coin a new word) of marriage is a good term. Sometimes it is boring and sometimes it is exhilarating and exciting. These two polarities are experienced by all couples.

Most couples who “fall in love” experience the manic stage of a relationship. All of us remember the highs of being “love struck.” We couldn’t get enough of each other. We wanted to be together all the time. Our emotions peaked, as if we were on a cocaine buzz. Dr. Helen Fisher, who teaches Marriage and Family at Rutgers University, studied some couples who were “madly in love.” Using MRI scans to take pictures of their brain activity, she would show a picture of someone the “in love” person didn’t know, and then follow it with a picture of their “loved one.” The results showed that pictures of the “loved one” evoked a powerful chemical reaction in the pleasure center of the brain, lighting up the neuronal receptors for a neurotransmitter called Dopamine.

This chemical is associated with intense energy, focused attention, motivation, and exhilaration. MRIs of persons using drugs, like cocaine, shows the same over-production of Dopamine. Thus, there really is an “addictiveness” to being love struck.

The problem all couples experience is the false belief that this manic experience will last forever, i.e. ” and they lived happily ever after” as recorded in classic love stories. “The honeymoon is over” is the term we use to describe the inevitable reality that this stage can’t last forever. Unrealistic expectations cause couples to wonder about their marriage or think that their marriage is failing because the intensiveness wanes and they lose the walking on a cloud high.

Another way to look at the boredom and sameness of marriage is to see it as a blessing. There has to be a comfortableness and trusting aspect of marriage for there to be rituals of routine. When you learn to trust your partner, you trust that he or she loves you on either side of the two poles. It feels nice to know you are loved while experiencing the downside of sameness.

Knowing that boredom is normal at times, a couple can ride out these periods together, as they trust each other to routinely be there for each other. Routine can mean “I am not going to leave you. I am committed to you for better or for worse,” meaning enjoying the highs and facing the worst (lows) together.

Couples can also create an “I’m Bored-Let’s Do Something Different” night (or Day or Weekend) once a week or a least once a month. You could draw straws to see who plans the first BB (Boredom Buster) Outing and the other marriage partner can plan the next one. There is one rule for BB Outings: The one who does not plan the outing is to refrain from any complaining. This will allow you to experiment with activities that “might” be fun or “could” be fun. You will never know if it is fun until you try it. The no complaint rule will help you try new and different experiences. Now, take the initiative and establish a “Boredom Buster” routine.

Dr. Bill Mitcham is the Director/Therapist at The Marriage Maintenance Center in Davidson. Call 704-408-4187.

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